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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:


Indebted as we all are to Michael's gifts to cinema, not least those from the other side, the fat man was cordially invited to dine with the Prince of Darkness on Tuesday, and you know what? he asked his grace if I might attend - smashing!
The journey was tough. We set out in Hermes' charge, following the Deliverer down the dark paths of decay, past Ocean Stream, past the White Rock, past the Gates of the Sun and the region of Dreams we went. Before long we reached the Meadows of Asphodel, the dwelling place of souls, the disembodied wraiths of men. We'd built up an appetite I don't mind telling you.
Calibraxis was paid the handsome fee of Britney Spears to come out of retirement and prepare the meat - and what meat! I don't care where it came from but I see where he gets his reputation.
Typically, Michael and Beelzebub got on like pommes allumettes and mayonnaise,,, and the seating plan certainly didn't satisfy the art of conversation. They'd stuck me next to Leaena and Seriamis, ladies of dubious reputation that just would not cease in their attempts to lure me to the shores of the Styx for a quick menage a trois! But I didn't care, the food was the finest I'll ever eat, a veritable feast of the finest meats and sauces reduced by minions for millennia. Wow!
As usual he is already in full flow…

"…But then again I’m told that all the charity work he does in hospitals is just a front for him to be able to indulge his necrophilia fetish. That why he wears those shell suits, you see. Easy to slip in and out of in a hurry. A bit like Elizabeth Hurley. Now is it just me, or are these devilled kidneys a trifle eager? Surely they should be much more laissez-faire on the taste bud? I blame the French. There’s no logical reason why, I just do. In fact, I blame the French for most things including the congestion on Britain’s roads. Yet if you mention that in polite society then you get called "reactionary" and "misguided". Humbug!

So it’s been another bumper payday for Arnold Schwarzenegger then. He’s about to earn $30 million for his role in ‘Terminator III’. That sets a new record for the salary by a male actor for a single film beating the previous holder, er Arnold Schwarzenegger. That was for the $25 million he cashed for appearing in ‘Batman and Robin’. Now at this point I’d just like to ask one question — why? Am I the only person who doesn’t actually think he’s that good an actor? I mean he plays a monosyllabic android well enough I suppose but not so well that he deserves to be paid that much. It all seems a bit rich when the Screen Actors Guild of America has just finished making such a fuss about how most of its actors are starving. Maybe they should force studios to distribute the money a bit more evenly amongst actors from now on? Or would that not go down too well with some of the more highly paid members of the Guild? Does anybody sense a double standard?

The man that the tabloids are calling Britain’s best hope for an Oscar this year has issued a stinging rebuke to the British Film Industry, I see. Tom Wilkinson who most people remember best for taking his clothes off in a funny way for ‘The Full Monty’ has been promoting his new American film ‘In the Bedroom’. He said that he wanted to make more American films and that, "There is an awful lot of crap made in Britain. The problem with British film-makers is they don't spend enough time getting the script right." As opposed to the Americans who have never ever been known to make a film with a poor script I suppose, eh Tom? That’s two double standards in a week. I feel just like a member of the Conservative party.

Here’s an American film that I trust will live up to Mr Wilkinson’s high standards, ‘Crocodile Hunter: The Movie’. For those of you lucky enough not to have polluted your homes with multi-channel television ‘Crocodile Hunter’ is a nature programme in which a mad Australian by the name of Steve

Irwin goes around the world picking up snakes and saying things like, "Look how angry this one’s getting! He really hates me picking him up!" or "The cobra really doesn’t like me poking him with this stick does he?" Clearly the man is insane. It comes as something of a surprise then to discover that MGM have deemed him important enough to make a film featuring him being embroiled in a kidnap plot. What next? ‘Chris Evans: The Motion Picture’?

I wish to propose a toast. Let us raise our glasses to the death of cinema. Cheers!"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

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