"I ask for something different. Something fresh, original and daring. Something that says "Yes, Britain really is at the cutting edge of world cuisine". What am I offered? Chopped liver and fat cut chips. Is that absolutely the best that you can do? I despair, I really do.

I had a similar reaction upon hearing that ‘Bridget Jones Diary’ has had the highest grossing opening weekend of any British film in history. Perhaps I shouldn’t really be surprised, after all there is a large swathe of the female population who seem to use the book as some sort of lifestyle guide. In my experience women with any sort of intelligence are dangerous. That’s why I only go out with models and television presenters. Working Title Films are currently preparing a Bridget Jones sequel. Can’t somebody stop this madness? Apparently they’ve also got a new project in development where Hugh Grant is filmed reading aloud from the Yellow Pages. Since Hugh can seemingly do no wrong, I predict that it will be a massive hit.

Has the tube strike also affected table service in here? Don't stand there like a skint farmer, get a move on boy!

A few weeks ago I mentioned that it should be obvious to anybody with ears that Gwyneth Paltrow cannot sing. It’s a fact that seems to have escaped the whole of the Australian continent who this week gave Gwyneth her second hit record. Is there some genetic quirk in the Australian make-up which renders them tone deaf? I ask only because when it comes to musical appreciation they don’t seem to have the first clue. One only needs to think of Jason and bloody Kylie for proof of that. Lets hope that all this doesn’t to Ms Paltry’s head and persuade her to embark on a full-blown musical career. It’s bad enough having to put up with Jennifer Lopez stomping all over the charts with her Latino-styled warblings without Miss Stick-insect joining in.

Have you heard that they’ve begun the final negotiations with the Script Writers Union in America? The writer’s strike is due to start on the first of May if they can’t reach a settlement. What I want to know is given the appalling state of the average Hollywood script these days who the hell is going to notice if the buggers down tools?

Have you buggers gone on strike in that kitchen or what?!"