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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Birthday at Brula

Wednesday was my birthday…don't even think about it! Customary to such an occasion I insisted that Michael invite his expense account as the special guest to my bash at the ever reliable, Brula, in St Margarets. Tucked up in a snug residential blanket, and only a commis' piss from Twickenham Studios, Brula is a barrel of giggles filled with brilliant cooking that sits upright from the menu. Foie Gras, salads of lardons and poached egg, pheasant, steak, escargots…and bloody great chips! We all drank too much, laughed for two hours and had a grand time all round. Until, that is, Michael responds to a neighbour's insidious mobile phone tone by climbing onto his table and offering a surprisingly ample member as "an alternative to the game sausage." To the gentleman's furious response, Michael calmly stepped down from the table, buttoned his fly and, with churchill tween teeth , gestured, "I recommend you turn that f*cking toy off before I jolly well thrust it up your arse with your mother on the line!" The crowd went wild!
As usual he is already in full flow…

"…And she had managed to get an entire hard boiled egg in there. Extraordinary muscle control, I expect she did a lot of yoga. Geri Halliwell can perform the same trick I’m told. Ah my boy! You really must try this pea soup with stilton. Exquisite. Although I do find it a trifle cruel on the back of the throat. A bit like smoking twenty woodbines through a sock.

So Equity has agreed terms with Eon, the producers of the James Bond films to allow their members to work on the film. The threatened strike is due to begin on December 1st which would have halted the production supposed to begin in January of next year. I don’t know, militant bloody luvvies. In my day actors knew how to behave themselves. Hit your marks and learn your lines. That’s what I always used to advise junior thespians who sought my advice. These days they’ve all got a solicitor in tow. "How much of the backend can I get?", they cry. Actors are fond of getting hold of a good backend. Oh. Apparently the backend refers to the share of the film’s profits, I’m advised. Funny, I’m sure that wasn’t what Gielguid was talking about when I heard him talking about back ends. Hmm.

I gather that congratulations are in order for Stephen Daldry and his new bride Lucy. This caused all sorts of kerfuffle in the press because most of them assumed that he was gay. I myself have been on the receiving end of this kind of unwarranted press intrusion. Mind you, I did have to pay a lot of money to plant the story, "Whiner’s Gay Romp Shocker" in all the tabloids. I was being sued for maintenance by a woman who claimed I’d fathered her children. The fact that she was married to me at the time only made the case more difficult to defend. However my brief successfully proved that I was gay during the period my children were born and therefore I couldn’t possibly have fathered them despite all the DNA evidence to the contrary. He then proceeded to sue the tabloids who’d printed the filthy lies about me being gay as I could prove conclusively that I was 100% straight. Honestly, you can’t let these people get away with that sort of thing.

Ralph Fiennes is being courted to play the serial killer Frances Dollarhyde in the forthcoming remake of ‘Red Dragon’. Oh dear God. What are casting directors on these days? The man is about as terrifying as Robert Kilroy-Silk on that hopeless new game show of his. I tell you who they should cast — Jonathan King. Well he scares me."

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

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