"I’m often accused of insensitivity… What? Oh, right. I’ll have a large spaghettini with crab and Girolles followed by the venison platter and chuck a lobster on will you, get some and turf action going. May I ask why you are waiting at table whilst wearing a Walkman? Oh, it’s a hearing aid. Easy mistake to make. Now push off there’s a good fellow. CAN YOU HEAR ME ALRIGHT?! Okay, no need for language like that.

Now where was I? Oh yes, I’m often accused of insensitivity but as unlikely as it seems there are some people around who make me look like Mother Theresa. One such person is estranged Welsh thespian, Sir Anthony Hopkins. His advice to people traumatised by the attack on the World Trade Centre was to go and see his new film, ‘Hearts in Atlantis’. "I'd like to think that this film will hopefully bring some solace and peace to people," he said. So there you have it. Forget professional counselling next time you’re suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and get yourself down to the cinema instead.

Another epithet that is often applied to me is ‘opinionated’. Now I find this a curious label to use. After all who among us does not have an opinion about something? Apart from Ian Duncan Smith, of course. But that’s only because he’s an android constructed in the bowels of Tory Central Office. But I digress. You see I only opine about subjects on which I know something about. Unlike say, Vanessa Feltz. Now it seems that there is another name to add to the growing list of professional rentagobs - Ricky Tomlinson. When appearing at the premiere for his new film ‘Mike Bassett: England Manager’, he was asked what he would do if he was the real England manager he replied that he’d do something about the player’s hairstyles. "I'll appoint a new team hairdresser. Some of the England lads' haircuts are a disgrace. Seaman's ponytail will have to go and Beckham will have to make his mind up whether he wants a crop or a mohican." Coming from a man who has had the same hairstyle since approximately 1978, the words, ‘pot’, ‘kettle’ and ‘black’ distinctly come to mind.

Blockbuster video rental stores are not places one usually associates with social conscience. However it has just announced that videos which contain violent material are to be labelled with warning signs reading, "In the light of the events of September 11, please note that this product contains scenes that may be considered disturbing to some viewers". What an excellent idea. While they are at it maybe they could extend the scheme? For example Adam Sandler films could be labelled, "Please note this product contains scenes which may insult the intelligence of the viewer."

Just a suggestion."