"No solid food this week, I’m afraid. I had a decaying tooth ripped from my throbbing gum earlier today and it hurts like a bugger. What’s the soup of the day? Atlantic broth? Go on then. And a case of Champagne too. I’m on painkillers but they’re about a much use as a chocolate teapot. Mistress Alcohol will soon beat the pain into submission.

Talking of which, I’m utterly sick of Harry bloody Potter. It’s everywhere. I can even wipe my arse with Harry Potter toilet paper if I want to. This week the newspaper editors were trying to find a new angle to the story and God-bless Zoë Wanamaker for giving it to them. It seems that Ms Wanamaker is less then chuffed with the money she got for making the film. In fact it was less then she received from the BBC for making ‘Gormenghast’. Now I’m afraid I don’t really have much sympathy for her really. Firstly she knew precisely how much she was being paid when she agreed to do it. Secondly she’s got quite a large role in a film that is going to be seen by countless millions all over the world. It’s the sort of publicity that she could normally only dream of in her strange little luvvie world. I bet she doesn’t turn the sequels down either. Ah, I love the smell of hypocrisy!

So Michael and Kirk Douglas are to star in a film together for the first time. I can see two potential problems that may yet scupper the project though. For a kick off it’s called, ‘Smack the Puss’ which I think must take the prize for Worst Title For a Movie Ever award, even beating that obscure Korean flick, ‘Pardon Me, That’s my Dog You’re Eating’. Secondly and more seriously, Kirk just cannot talk since he had the stroke. I saw him on ‘Parkinson’ and frankly it made painful viewing. He slurred and dribbled his way through the interview like Roy Hatersley on novocaine. Can’t somebody have a quiet word with him?

You know anaesthetic and alcohol really do complement each other very well. The alcohol gets you nicely pissed and the anaesthetic means that you don’t feel a thing when you fall down. I may include a chapter on drinking whilst sedated in my forthcoming book, ‘Whiner’s Big Book of Booze’.

Michael Jackson is going to direct a film. It’s about an eight-year old orphan. It’s called ‘Home of the Angels’. I think I’ve finally lost the will to live.

Garcon! Another case of champers if you will! I’m going for oblivion or bust!"