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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:


Revolted by Michael's display of insensitivity, and of course, his repulsive table etiquette I snuck out the back door to a cab waiting for me in the street exactly one hour before Michael was due to arrive. I'd had enough of his disgusting plague calls insinuating immoral relations between myself and my maid so I planned a little quality prose time somewhere I felt sure he wouldn't track me down. Darcy's in Highgate village is essentially a ramshackle B&B that doubles as a café and apartment. This colonial throwaway is always filthy with grease and dog hair and often swamped with all too clean Highgate locals but Darcy does a top breakfast and brews tea the old way. As I climbed the tiny staircase my head swam with the thought of Welsh Rarebit and home made chipolatas, a vast pot of fresh Assam and a packet of imported Fortuna , all over an old favourite - Dostoyevsky's The Idiot.
My Sunday crumbled though when, on sitting down at my table by the back window, I accidentally kick a bundled mass. I find Darcy, his faithful woolly companion and Michael curled up with two empty bottles of Gonzalez Byas.
What's worse, I'd woken them. As usual he is already in full flow…

"…I said to him, "Well Hollywood has never worried about white powder before so why should they start now?" Of course he had no answer to that did he?

Is this veal chop made with real or artificial calf? Mmm. I’m suspicious myself. One can’t be too careful at the moment. I already have to don a full body chemical protection suit before opening my mail. One feels the effort has been quite wasted when all you ever get are entries to the Readers Digest prize draw.

Another victim of the hysteria gripping America is Francis Ford Coppolla. His current project, ‘Megalopolis’ features the rebuilding of a New York devastated by a disaster. He’s currently holed up rewriting the script. That’s Hollywood-speak for him standing over some poor sweating scriptwriter desperately trying to second-guess what could possibly devastate a city without causing anybody in the audience offence. I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes, would you?

Actually, earlier this week, I did receive what appeared to be a letter from the same terrorists who have been sending out the anthrax letters. It was a plain white envelope that bore the words, "Now you will learn the truth…" printed on the outside. It turned out to be a hoax. It was actually from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints trying to flog me their free video, ‘The Lamb of God’. I wish I’d known that before I’d called in the anti-terrorist squad. I was stripped and put through a chemical shower for nothing. Mind you, my hair has never looked so vibrant and full of life so it wasn’t entirely wasted.

I see that saucer-eyed French minxette Audrey Tautou star of ‘Amelie’ is to make her debut in an English language film. Unfortunately it’s in Stephen Frears hopeless sounding ‘Dirty Pretty Things’ in which members of London’s immigrant population, including a Turkish porter, a Chinese busker and a prostitute gang up to solve a murder. All they need is a talking dog and they’ve got a multi-ethnic version of Scooby Doo. Didn’t Stephen Frears used to know how to make decent films once upon a time?

Whilst we’re on the subject of decent films it’s very depressing to see that ‘American Pie 2’ is riding high in the UK cinema charts. Oh. Dear. Me. Quite why anybody wanted to see the first tawdry little effort is a mystery . So why they wanted to inflict yet more pain on us with a sequel is quite beyond my comprehension. It’s a dreadful film. All the critics have said it’s a dreadful film. Why can’t people listen? As Tony Hancock once said, "What about Magna Carta? Did she die in vain?". Oh I give up. Watch what you want. You will anyway.

Garcon, another case of Chablis if you will!"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

archive >>>

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