"…I said to him, "Well Hollywood has never worried about white powder before so why should they start now?" Of course he had no answer to that did he?

Is this veal chop made with real or artificial calf? Mmm. I’m suspicious myself. One can’t be too careful at the moment. I already have to don a full body chemical protection suit before opening my mail. One feels the effort has been quite wasted when all you ever get are entries to the Readers Digest prize draw.

Another victim of the hysteria gripping America is Francis Ford Coppolla. His current project, ‘Megalopolis’ features the rebuilding of a New York devastated by a disaster. He’s currently holed up rewriting the script. That’s Hollywood-speak for him standing over some poor sweating scriptwriter desperately trying to second-guess what could possibly devastate a city without causing anybody in the audience offence. I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes, would you?

Actually, earlier this week, I did receive what appeared to be a letter from the same terrorists who have been sending out the anthrax letters. It was a plain white envelope that bore the words, "Now you will learn the truth…" printed on the outside. It turned out to be a hoax. It was actually from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints trying to flog me their free video, ‘The Lamb of God’. I wish I’d known that before I’d called in the anti-terrorist squad. I was stripped and put through a chemical shower for nothing. Mind you, my hair has never looked so vibrant and full of life so it wasn’t entirely wasted.

I see that saucer-eyed French minxette Audrey Tautou star of ‘Amelie’ is to make her debut in an English language film. Unfortunately it’s in Stephen Frears hopeless sounding ‘Dirty Pretty Things’ in which members of London’s immigrant population, including a Turkish porter, a Chinese busker and a prostitute gang up to solve a murder. All they need is a talking dog and they’ve got a multi-ethnic version of Scooby Doo. Didn’t Stephen Frears used to know how to make decent films once upon a time?

Whilst we’re on the subject of decent films it’s very depressing to see that ‘American Pie 2’ is riding high in the UK cinema charts. Oh. Dear. Me. Quite why anybody wanted to see the first tawdry little effort is a mystery . So why they wanted to inflict yet more pain on us with a sequel is quite beyond my comprehension. It’s a dreadful film. All the critics have said it’s a dreadful film. Why can’t people listen? As Tony Hancock once said, "What about Magna Carta? Did she die in vain?". Oh I give up. Watch what you want. You will anyway.

Garcon, another case of Chablis if you will!"