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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Burger King - Piccadilly

On Wednesday late evening I received a call from Michael's driver, Parker - evidently in some distress. Michael was showing off his credit limit to a couple of fading blondes in Atlantic, he'd drunk a cosmo too many and had begun swilling Taittinger from the bottle. Nothing new you cry but all this came after a disturbing visit to the doctor that ended with a bitter argument and Michael being first restrained by a muscly blonde nurse called Jeremy and second being ordered to swallow three valium on pain of the marigolds. I found him…I'm shivering now…I found him in Burger King off Piccadilly, next to…oh why!…next to some monstrous bordello called Dunkin Donuts. This paragon of culinary snobbery was wolfing little grease bomb burgers and demanding table service from a rather bewildered, spotty youth. He then started crying when told they didn't sell Jaegermeister and very nearly antagonised a group of large young men sporting bandannas and affecting serious leg injury.
I'm sorry, I really am but there is a limit to one's patience. I had to leave the poor man behind after calling his body guards anonymously. As usual he was already in full flow…

"…As I said at the time everybody knew it was a sham of a marriage. He was out chasing every good-looking young man he could get his hands on. Hmm.I don’t think much to this triple bacon double cheese king do you? It’s surprisingly bland on the back of the palate when as anyone with a decent education knows, a really well prepared beef patty should attack the taste buds like an Islamic Fundamentalist Terrorist.

Have you heard the rumour that Tom Cruise is to give the CIA a public relations boost in ‘Mission: Impossible 3’? By all accounts he wants to use the film to portray the intelligence gathering agencies in a positive light. So that’ll be unlike in, say the first two ‘Mission: Impossible’ films where the CIA is shown to be a shadowy and sinister organisation riddled with traitorous double agents. Oh, well I’ll look forward to that. Much like I’m looking forward to my forthcoming bout of haemorrhoid surgery. Tom’s been here before of course. His film ‘Top Gun’ encouraged the US navy to erect recruitment posts in the foyers of American cinemas. Oddly the American military didn’t try the same tactic with ‘Saving Private Ryan’. I wonder why?

Unless you’ve been living on Neptune for the last few months then you can’t have failed to notice that the ‘Harry Potter’ film is almost upon us. But the big question that seems to have gripped the nations media is "Was Daniel dubbed?" It seems that a story in The Sun (so it must be true) claims that the star of the film, Daniel Radcliffe suffered the indignity of his voice breaking before the end of shooting, resulting in a severe mismatching of his voice between most of the rest of the film and the last couple of scenes. To remedy this a voice double was employed to rerecord a few lines of Harry’s dialogue so they sounded like Daniel pre-ball drop. The article even went so far as to name him as Joe Sowerbutts. They interviewed him about it. He’s even playing Harry Potter’s voice in the forthcoming computer game. So why then have Warner Brothers felt it necessary to rush out a press release denying that anybody other then Daniel Radcliffe’s voice speaks any of Harry’s lines in the film? The studio doth protest too much if you ask me.

Now as one who likes to speak his mind you won’t be surprised to learn that, on occasion, I’ve been called upon to defend myself physically. Well the same fate befell another cinematic legend earlier this week. None other then Gene Hackman himself was involved in a roadside brawl on Sunset Boulevard after his car ran into the backside of a Volvo. Instead of exchanging insurance details in the traditional fashion, tempers flared and a punch-up ensued. Although he hotly denies it, by all accounts Gene suffered the embarrassment of being severely clobbered, right in the Hackmans. And I always thought he was a real acting heavyweight too. He’ll never look at the Golden Globes the same way again.

I wish to propose a toast. To Gene Whacked ‘Em!"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

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