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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

St John's

I must confess I was in no mood to go out for dinner this week (least of all with Michael's appalling lack of tact) . I'd unplugged the phone and instructed my promiscuous Vietnamese house maid May Wi to let the doorbell ring and ring, if rung. Imagine my astonishment and dismay when I walk into my kitchen for a glass of Pedro Jimenez Manzanilla to see the two of them "at it" over my solid oak chopping board like a nightmare version of Laurel and Hardy. I remember being livid, cursing and sweating in rage with their gall before Michael grunts, mid-flow I might add, "why don't you call St John my good man, I shan't be long. Oh, and would you mind leaving the room for a moment, there's a good fellow!"
Of course I flatly refused to do either but that vile vision sent me to the bathroom. Minutes later I'm accosting the fat bastard with some colourful language and then….well I remember waking up on the banquette in St John with a frightful bump on the head and a glass of Croze Hermitage thrust under my nose. As usual he is already in full flow…

"…So as I said to Kenneth Branagh at the time, "Bugger off Ken".

Hmm, this menu rather reminds me of central New York. Desolate and covered in dust. I'll have the steak and Kidney pud and bring it alligator style. That means snappy, you idiot.

Whilst the attack on the World Trade Centre is awful I do think that in some ways we’re in danger of boiling over to hysteria. Take for, example, the way that studios are currently scouring unreleased New York-set films for any trace of the twin towers so that they can be removed. Why? To avoid "upsetting" people. Now correct me if I’m wrong but how exactly does the mere existence of them in a film upset people? If they were shown being blown up then fine. If they were shown to be the subject of a terrorist attack then no problem. But to try and pretend that they never existed is wrong. What if the hijackers had missed the World Trade Centre and decided to take out the Statute of Liberty instead. Does that mean that ‘Planet of the Apes’, ‘Ghostbusters II or ‘X-Men’ should have the statue digitally removed? Perhaps Charlton Heston could come across a MacDonalds franchise half buried in the sand? Maybe people should let their emotions cool a little bit before they start making rash decisions about things.

Jackie Chan says that he was due to be filming on the North Tower of the World Trade Centre on the day of the attack but a tardy scriptwriter meant that the shoot was abandoned. Scriptwriters really are bastards aren’t they? I mean I can’t count the number of times a script has come in late and they always have the most pathetic excuses, "My dog ate it", "I left it on the bus". They’re worse then school children. My reply when they come begging for their money is always, "Oh sorry. The cheque fell in the fishpond. Sorry." Besides which surely to a man who has broken every bone in his body several times over having a building collapse around your ears is an every day occurrence?"

(BTW - I have since rehired May Wi out of pure generosity, among other things…)


recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

archive >>>

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