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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:


After Michael's shocking treatment of the Joneses I recommended he take me to the most expensive Spanish restaurant I know. Manana on Exmouth Market (near the Angel tube) is, although again frighteningly dear and nigh on impossible to get a table over 2, also the best Spanish fare Londoners can buy. Partisan's beware though, this isn't authentic and I imagine a Catalan pig farmer could retire inside a year if he sold his animals direct. As usual he is already in full flow…

"Ah my boy! Do sit down. It’s been a triumphant week for embittered old sods like me. Yes, the Old Moaners Club membership has been boosted arrival of a new recruit - Joss Ackland. Now I’ve been accused of being an old reactionary from time to time but Joss really went to town in a recent interview. Firstly he said that most of the things he had appeared in had been "an awful lot of crap". Unfortunately he then went on to excuse himself by saying that he was a workaholic and that he didn’t mind "appearing in dross" as long as it wasn’t immoral. Oh well, that’s alright then. Come on man where’s your backbone? Name some names for us. What was the worst thing you made? Who is the thickest actor you’ve ever met? I was about to tear up his membership card, however he redeemed himself with his next outburst that was simply priceless. They asked him about ‘Passion of Mind’ a really grotty film in which he appeared opposite Demi "It’s pronounced D’mee, actually" Moore. It was pretty widely critically panned and sank without trace at the box office. When asked about Ms Moore he said, "She's alright, not very bright or talented. I imagine she and Bruce Willis together were a joy to behold." Marvellous! Where have you been all my life, old boy? Britain needs more people like you!

Is this chorizo still sweating in terror or is the air-con up the spout? I’m not sure I entirely trust this place. The head waiter’s eyes are too close together for a start. Plus he bears an uncanny resemblance to Herman Goering. Haven’t you noticed?

I got invited up to the Edinburgh Film Festival this year. I’ve chosen not to grace Edinburgh with my presence. The last time I visited it there was a rather unpleasant incident in one of the less salubrious drinking establishments when one of the natives took offence at some of my remarks about him. Honestly, just because I called him an inbred Highland lout with a forehead as low as his sperm count. Some people just haven’t got a sense of humour I’m afraid. On that occasion I was actually escorted to the city boundaries by Lothian and Borders police and politely asked to leave. Actually thinking about it they said, "Piss off out of our city before we kick your head in" which isn’t all that polite at all is it? Anyway film festivals are inevitably extremely dull events. Lots of hopeful young eager film makers running around with their dreadfully worthy little pieces of rubbish. Ghastly. I’d rather stick needles in my eye. Or any other soft parts of my anatomy for that matter."


recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

archive >>>

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