"Ah my boy! Do sit down. It’s been a triumphant week for embittered old sods like me. Yes, the Old Moaners Club membership has been boosted arrival of a new recruit - Joss Ackland. Now I’ve been accused of being an old reactionary from time to time but Joss really went to town in a recent interview. Firstly he said that most of the things he had appeared in had been "an awful lot of crap". Unfortunately he then went on to excuse himself by saying that he was a workaholic and that he didn’t mind "appearing in dross" as long as it wasn’t immoral. Oh well, that’s alright then. Come on man where’s your backbone? Name some names for us. What was the worst thing you made? Who is the thickest actor you’ve ever met? I was about to tear up his membership card, however he redeemed himself with his next outburst that was simply priceless. They asked him about ‘Passion of Mind’ a really grotty film in which he appeared opposite Demi "It’s pronounced D’mee, actually" Moore. It was pretty widely critically panned and sank without trace at the box office. When asked about Ms Moore he said, "She's alright, not very bright or talented. I imagine she and Bruce Willis together were a joy to behold." Marvellous! Where have you been all my life, old boy? Britain needs more people like you!

Is this chorizo still sweating in terror or is the air-con up the spout? I’m not sure I entirely trust this place. The head waiter’s eyes are too close together for a start. Plus he bears an uncanny resemblance to Herman Goering. Haven’t you noticed?

I got invited up to the Edinburgh Film Festival this year. I’ve chosen not to grace Edinburgh with my presence. The last time I visited it there was a rather unpleasant incident in one of the less salubrious drinking establishments when one of the natives took offence at some of my remarks about him. Honestly, just because I called him an inbred Highland lout with a forehead as low as his sperm count. Some people just haven’t got a sense of humour I’m afraid. On that occasion I was actually escorted to the city boundaries by Lothian and Borders police and politely asked to leave. Actually thinking about it they said, "Piss off out of our city before we kick your head in" which isn’t all that polite at all is it? Anyway film festivals are inevitably extremely dull events. Lots of hopeful young eager film makers running around with their dreadfully worthy little pieces of rubbish. Ghastly. I’d rather stick needles in my eye. Or any other soft parts of my anatomy for that matter."