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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:


Despite my phone being pulled out of the wall, my doors locked, my mobile in the bin and a tall Pimms no 1 cup in the garden, the timeless peace that the weather demanded of me was shattered at 6pm on Tuesday. The brisk yet economical rapping on the front door could only be Michael's ancient chauffeur Mako. I was courteously ordered to accompany the loyal serf to 'Palefico' in Shoreditch where I was informed that 'Mr Whiner is waiting impatiently' for me.
More peeved than hungry I spot Michael swooning between gulps of aged moltepulciano. Clearly his obesity and the appalling lack of air conditioning (not such much as a fan!) has him in such distress. He's snorting furiously whilst devouring grissini and mopping his greasy brow with his old school tie. As usual he is already in full flow…
"Good Christ! It’s been too bloody hot this week. I’ve been sweating like a Spanish prostitute all week and I’m sick of it. If I wanted to live in these sorts of temperatures then I’d bloody well move to the Mediterranean wouldn’t I? Speaking of which I’ll have the bolito misto followed by…. Oh I don’t know. Is the osso buco any good? Well you would say it was excellent wouldn’t you? Oh I’m too hot to argue. Bring it forth my good man.
I see that the Screen Actors Guild strike has been averted. Am I the only person on the planet that never believed that there would be a stoppage? After all can you imagine the outcry in a country like America if there was suddenly no new films or television programmes? They’d be rioting and looting within ten seconds of being told that the new series of ‘Friends’ had been postponed. The Yanks are a fickle bunch. They have a huge amount of gun-related crime and yet any attempt to suggest a change in the gun laws might be in order is met with either indifference or downright hostility. Yet suggest that there won’t be any new TV for a while and suddenly people get fired up. As it were. Seeing as the studio bosses are apparently so terrified of direct action why don’t cinema audiences threaten a strike unless the quality of films is dramatically improved? If it means that we never ever have to sit through rubbish like ‘Tomb Raider’ or ‘Pearl Harbour’ ever again then it would be worth it. Ah well, I can always dream can’t I?
It’s so warm that my talleggio has melted. Ken Livingstone has offered a prize to the person that can come up with a way to cool the London Underground. Can’t he extend the scheme to finding a way to cool the entire western hemisphere?
The heat has obviously affected a few members of the acting community too. Jean Claude Van Damme was in town this week to open the Harrods sale. He was also promoting his new range of jeans. The name of the range? Dammage7. Yes. Quite.
Also in trouble was James Cromwell. He played the farmer in that dreadful film about the talking bacon sandwich, ‘Babe’. He was arrested after he and five other animal rights activists protested outside a restaurant in Virginia. A spokesman for the restaurant said, "Our animal welfare guidelines equal or exceed those of McDonald's or Burger King". So that’s all right then.
As I told you last week, Pierce Brosnan isn’t about to give up as James Bond - at least not quite yet. But when silly season hits the press they won’t give up a good story without a fight. So now speculation has turned to who is going to be the new Bond girl. According to some reports, a female world champion bantamweight boxer named Daisy Lang has been "begged" by producers to take the part. It sounds like cobblers to me but if she does get the job then expect lines like, "I’ve always wanted to pluck a Daisy" aplenty. Just as long as she’s slightly older then the last one I don’t care. Watching Denise Richards being pawed by Pierce made queasy viewing all round.
Speaking of which, isn’t that Chris Evans and Billie Piper at that table over there? Waiter! Do you have bucket handy? I think my oxen is about to re-join us."

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

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