"Tremendous punch-up going on over the road. By all accounts one of Ken Livingstone’s gay weddings was double-booked with a pair of fundamentalist Christians who wanted to re-new their marriage vows. It turned a trifle nasty as you can imagine. The last thing I saw was the registrar being held in a headlock by a rather well built lesbian.

Well let’s see now. Mmm. Not the most inspiring selection of oriental cuisine I’ve ever seen. Of course the kitchens are all run by asylum seekers you know. They smuggle them in on fish finger lorries. I saw a documentary about it on Channel 5 so it must be true. Oh just bring me the seeet and sour pork will you? I assume they know how to make that in Croatia do they?

The trendy media types are still all in a lather about the break up of Kate Winslett’s marriage aren’t they? I’m not sure if they are more shocked because it’s happened or because not a single one of them predicted it was going to happen. They say that pressure of work forced them apart. The same thing happened to me of course. It was the burden of being a hugely successful movie director that ended all five of my marriages. Well that and all the affairs, the orgies and the excessive drinking. The there was that time I tried to bludgeon Ryan O’Neil to death with a croquet mallet. Of course I regret it now. I should have used a cricket bat — a croquet mallet just doesn’t have enough weight behind it to penetrate the skull.

Paul McCartney seems to be continuing his quest to conquer every single branch of the arts. He’s already had a crack at poetry and now he’s decided to tackle animation. He’s already produced an animated short entitled ‘Tuesday’ in which thousands of frog’s lily pads fly all across America. "Yeeeeeeesssssss", as Paxman would probably say. McCartney is now in talks to make an animated feature. Of course it’s not the first time that he’s been involved in animation. In the mid-eighties he and Lynda wrote ’Rupert and the Frog Song’ which included that mind-numbing dirge The Frog Chorus. Mind you, he did manage to get a children’s film past the BBFC that included the lyric, "Bum bum bum. Bum bum bum".

I know that I’m always saying that the world has gone mad but that’s only because it’s true. For further evidence you need only look across the pond to America where the CIA has just taken on a full-time entertainment liaison officer. His job is to assist film and television productions to make sure that CIA procedures are portrayed accurately but without giving any secrets away. So don’t expect to see the CIA advising on any mini-series about the assassination of JFK just yet will you? One of the first series to use the new service will be about a CIA plot to foil a terrorist attack on Harrods without informing the British authorities. Highly realistic. Money well spent then.

I wish somebody would put a bomb under that headwaiter. Get your arse in gear!"