"Now then boy, take a look at this lobster bisque will you? What do you notice about it? The aroma? Well, the aroma is subtle but strong - aggressive yet delicate at the same time. There is nothing wrong with the aroma. Try again. The croutons? No, as far as I can tell the croutons are very much in evidence. Good consistency, piping hot, slightly spicy with an almost volcanic bubbling layer of flavour on the surface. In fact all of the ingredients that one would expect appear to be all present and correct. What’s that? The flavour? Let me stop you there. You obviously have the observational skills of a Tory politician in search of a decent policy and have completely missed my point. Let me enlighten you. Come closer. WHAT ABOUT MY BLOODY CUTLERY YOU IMBECILE! Am I supposed to eat the bloody thing with my fingers? Where do you think we are? Iraq?! Jump to it!

I’m distressed to see that ‘Pearl Harbor’ is currently flattening all opposition at the American box office. I fear for our American cousins. It seems that they’ve simultaniously lost the power of both independent thought and the ability to read all at the same time. Let us not forget that this film hasn’t had a single positive review. Not even one. Not even the merest hint that anybody liked even a tiny portion of it. Yet the Yanks flock to see it like a huge herd of sheep with particularly poor taste in films. I should imagine for a film critic that it’s events like this that cause one to re-evaluate one’s life and finally decide to end it all. Because they suddenly realise that no matter how well reasoned an argument they put forward as to why a film isn’t very good that no one is taking the blindest bit of notice. They might as well be talking to themselves and they probably are. Did you know that during the period ‘Titanic’ was the number one film at the box-office, the suicide rate among film critics rose 15%?

Boy! Bring me the wine list! Do you have a bottle of Schlumberger Gewurztraminer 95? You don’t? May I ask why not? You have a Retsina - as I recall it tastes like goat urine, and probably is. I also see a non vintage Amarone down here. As any fool knows anything under 3 years old is only fit for cleaning drains! You have a Puligny Montrachet '78?!! Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?! Hop to it!

It seems the latest fad amongst the film studios is not to waste time on making sure the films are any good but to spend their time making sure they have an innovative marketing campaign instead. Given the current success of ‘Pearl Harbor’ you could almost begin to see their point. The latest to jump onto the bandwagon is 20^th Century Fox who are currently pushing the remake of ‘Planet of the Apes’. They have set up a website called ‘Project A.P.E’ and each week they publish a set of Global Positioning System co-ordinates where they have hidden a camera and a prop from the film. You are then invited to try and hunt down the buried treasure. All very jolly I’m sure, but the plan has two flaws that I can see. The ‘A.I.’ web puzzle only requires access to the Internet and an ability to solve puzzles. But it can be played by anybody, anywhere in the world. The ‘Apes’ game can only be played by people in America because that’s where the stuff is hidden. Moreover it requires access to GPS equipment. Now how many people outside of the military do you know with access to that sort of thing, eh? Why don’t people think these things through before they put them into operation? Anyway if you bump into an American soldier who appears to be dressed as a gorilla you’ll know why.

Actually this calves liver tastes a bit like a gorilla’s jockstrap. Boy! Why are you hiding in the corner?

It seems that I may have been harsh on Stephen Daldry decamping for America. He has announced that he is to make a film in Leicestershire. It’s the story of three women from different eras who are each affected by the works of Virginia Woolf. But don’t get too excited. The location may be British but the cast is most certainly not. The leads are to be played by Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. Don’t we have any actresses in this country anymore? Probably not. They all seem to be too busy making guest appearances in soap operas and American sitcoms. It’s almost enough to make me weep — except an excess alcohol intake over the years has totally cauterised my tear ducts. Which reminds me…

Boy! Another bottle of the Montrachet! Either it’s improved or I’m pissed. Well get a move on!"