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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Week 10 - Broadway!

On Monday Michael insisted on visiting 'Broadway!' on St James. Despite my protests he disregarded our original plan to take a drive to my cherished Welsh hideaway, 'The Cherry Blossom' and opt for this polished palace of sycophant ridden indulgence. Apart from the quite hilarious 5th Avenue-esque interior the food here, as Michael is well aware, has Michelin pretensions but utterly misses out on the primary tenet that every ingredient of every dish must be prepared with love, or at least an attempt at such. The maitre d'hotel, a crawling repulsive little creature, practically interfered with Michael as we entered the barren dining. Apart from the parasitic fawnings of the staff to their influential guest, we were never once left alone, the breadth and imaginative pricing structure of the wine list obviously delighted Michael. As usual he is already in full flow…

"I’m pushing the boat out a bit tonight because I’ve been given the all-clear by my doctor — apparently I was just suffering an allergic reaction to the nylon stitching in my new underpants. So with that in mind I’ll have a large corned beef hash to start and top it off with a few fried eggs will you? As for the wine, I’ll let you surprise me. As long as it’s not American, Chilean, South African, German or, heaven forbid, Bulgarian. Other than that I don’t mind.

I see the silly season is upon us again as the press play the annual, "Who Wants to be the Millionth Bond" game. It must have been a very slow news week indeed as the suggested candidates are quite the most ludicrous bunch I’ve heard yet. In fact they make Albert "Cubby" Broccoli’s casting of George Lazenby look like a sensible move. Yes, they are that bad. They range from some bloke called Colin Wells who is currently appearing in the new Crossroads to some Scottish chap called Gerard Butler who had a small part in ‘Mrs Brown’. Then you get the silly suggestions like casting Catherine Zeta Jones as a female Bond. Or the suggestion from Roger Moore that "it’s time we had a black Bond. I think they should cast Cuba Gooding Jr". I think it’s time you moved into a nursing home, Roger. While I have no objection to a black Bond, Cuba Gooding Jr is about as suitable for the part as Whoopie Goldberg would be. In my opinion there’s only one man for the role. He’s handsome (see photo), a hit with the ladies (5 ex-wives) and knows roe from caviar. I am of course talking about myself. I probably won’t get a chance though because Pierce Brosnan is making noises that he’d like to extend his contract. The film career not going too well these days, Pierce?

Hop too it boy! I’m hungry! And another bottle of veuve while you’re on your feet. I see that Marlon Brando has had to pull out of ‘Scary Movie 2’ "due to illness" Don’t think that we’ve seen the last of him though. Given his current choice of roles I fully expect him to appear in the forthcoming S Club 7 feature film, ‘2001: The Year It All Started To Fall Apart’

Barry Norman stunned the British film industry by announcing that he is to retire from film criticism. They were stunned mainly because they thought he already had retired. I mean has anybody actually seen his programme on Sky Premier? Personally I don’t think he ever recovered from the time he was hosting the Oscar coverage and announced that ‘Saving Private Ryan’ was "about to be awarded Best Picture". Only to see the award go to ‘Shakespeare in Love’ instead. I imagine that Sky will follow their usual policy of replacing him with a blonde bimboid whose sole function is to look good and boost the ratings. Talking of Mariella Frostrup - where is she these days?"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

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