Free-ads - Forum News and columns Features & Interviews Film links Calendar dates for festivals Contact details Statistical Info Funding Info
site web
About Netribution Contact Netribution Search Netribution


interviews / reviews / how to / short shout / carnal cinema / film theory / whining & dining

netribution > features > whining & dining >
whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Spitz of Spittlefields

The rain was so light that, were it not for the icy imps crawling over my temples, I could have mistaken it for an October mist. The sun was out and the light was so crisp I had to just stand and marvel. London had never looked so beautiful and…."Don't stand there like some limp ponce, my breakfast awaits!" It was Michael and my innocent state of wonder was blocking the door into Spitz of Spittlefield, the oak panelled diner catering exclusively to fat men short on manners.
Before I could pluck an excuse from my dwindling reserve I was hemmed in between Michael and his even grosser brother Inigo while they hogged on black pudding and Welsh Rarebit. I'd have splashed out on a poached egg and a small Averna but the sight of these two gastropro's at work was too much.
From bliss to bloaters…it has to be Monday! As usual he is in full flow…

"…but as I told Olivier at the time, if Gielguid wants to wear a pink taffeta ball gown to the Oscars then let him. He’s got the legs to carry it off and lets face it, it looks better on him then it does on Liz Taylor.

Hmm. I don’t think much of this soup. It’s like drinking dishwater. Japanese dishwater at that. Take it away. Bring me a Guinness instead. The last time I was presented with slop like that Olly Reed had just had one of his periodic bouts of projectile vomiting. In fact he’d got it down to such a fine art he could write words on the ground with it. Two days before he died he puked the words, ‘Ridley’s finished’ on the floor of a Majorcan bistro. Judging by the mess that was ‘Hannibal’, I can see his point.

Word reaches me that the Yanks have pulled out of shooting a new reality television series in Scotland in the wake of the September 11th attack. Now much as I consider the reality series to be the lowest point of television’s history, lower even then the fact that it regularly gives Ainsley Harriot work, I just cannot work out why they are so worried. They say it’s because Americans are afraid to fly in case the plane ends up being turned into a weapon of mass destruction and flown directly at the nearest populated area. But this is a country with the highest murder rate in the entire western world. They’ve got more chance of being killed walking down the street then they ever have of being involved in a major terrorist attack. In fact, I’ve got more chance of choking to death on this Cumberland. Judging by the taste I’d say the chances were actually quite high. Yuck!

So Steven Soderberg, David Fincher and Spike Jonze are to get more creative control of their films and stop being dictated to by film companies by er, creating their own film company. I tried that. It worked for a while but unfortunately it never made enough of a profit to pay the Inland Revenue my tax bill. Ah well, money never was my strong point. Well, I’m quite good at spending it. Just not at holding on to it. It does seem a bit odd that the only way young, talented directors can gain a bit of clout with the studios is to set up a mini-studio of their own. I’m probably just old fashioned. Another bottle of champagne, my boy! Told you I was good at spending money.

While at a lose end this week I stopped off at my local video rental boutique. Among the endless shelves of rubbish blockbusters and soft porn, I did notice one film I think they may have some difficulty shifting. It was called ‘Sonic Impact’ and deals with a group of terrorists who hijack a plane and threaten to crash it onto the city of New York. While I was there it was about as popular with the customers as Hitler at a barmitzvah. Good luck pushing that one boys…"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

archive >>>

Copyright © Netribution Ltd 1999-2002
searchhomeabout usprivacy policy