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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Week 8 - Calibraxis

Many have branded 'Calibraxis' in Bow as little more than a shameless theme joint run by businessmen and frequented by obese philistines, statements that seem harsh but largely accurate as an observer. However this tasteless and astonishingly unhygienic venture is still as popular as ever - especially with high brow reviewers. When interviewed last year after an environmental health officer was found dead after seeming to 'wash his genitals' in a deep fat fryer, the hapless owners were just as perplexed as everyone else by the restaurant's success. The police found nothing to charge them with but these rather vacant entrepreneurs seemed quite vacant when quoting their chef, 'Our meat profit margins are higher than those of any chef I know - I just can't explain it!' Legend abounds that this was the site of the Jack the Ripper slayings, no one knows how long the site has been a dining area but the name Calibraxis comes from ancient texts - the demon was Lucipher's chief butcher! Doubtless these myths add to the site's success but attempts to replicate (indeed close or even refurbish the current venue) have resulted in tragedy. Michael scoffed at the idea of dining here but he changed his tune after a look at the wine list. As usual he is already in full flow…
"I see that you have Manatee Tripe on the menu. You do realise that it’s banned under at least three United Nations Arms Limitation Treaties, don’t you? I’ll avoid it if you don’t mind, it does terrible things to my digestion – like start it working. I think I'll go light with the Fruta di Mare for three Two bottles of the ’67 Lafitte. Those are the real ‘67’s mind, not the ones with the year written on in felt tip that you give to the Japanese tourists.

Word reaches me that David Beckham is to invest £1 million pounds in the British Film Industry. Now call me old-fashioned but does that strike anybody as the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain said, "That Hitler bloke’s all right. I’d trust him". If his choice of film projects is anything like as good as his choice of wives then the resulting film will be two subplots short of a narrative. Doesn’t he realise that making a successful film is a very tricky and finely balanced thing to do? Why doesn’t he come to me for advice? After all, I’ve had nothing but rave reviews for all my movies. Granted, some of them were only released in Albania but I’ve always maintained that the Albanians have a very keen sense of what makes a good film. You only have to look at the recent Albanian box office hit Gorky and Zet do Yes! to see what I mean. Gripping stuff.

Waiter! Where’s my main course? Third World debt has tripled in the time we’ve sat here!

Apparently Marlon Brando is to make an appearance in Scary Movie 2. If you’ve been fortunate enough to miss the first Scary Movie then you probably won’t be aware that it is another tiresome post-modern, ironic horror comedy based on the tiresome post-modern ironic horror comedy Scream. Who said Hollywood was disappearing up it’s own backside? Anyway, it transpires that Marlon is rapidly going down the Laurence Olivier approach to choosing film roles and appearing in any old shit that pays well. To think the cheeky bugger had the nerve to turn down a role in my Roger Moore/Oliver Reed comedy, Headless Chicken, a post-modern, ironic comedy about the state of the British Film Industry. Bloody Americans! They wouldn’t know a decent film if it bit them on the bum cheeks. His English accent in Mutiny on the Bounty was crap as well.

For dessert? Oh I’ll have a pint of hot white chocolate sauce, bring me a wheel of Livarot with three or four pears on the side and the Dante Torte. The old heart valves are due for a 10,000 mile service anyway so what the hell. Can somebody put my surgeon on standby please?"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

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