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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Week 7 - Hook In Mouth

Michael took a large risk this week by venturing South of the River to the first of what is rumoured to become a chain of canteen style fish eateries called 'Hook in Mouth.' This is a move made even more corageous by the standard of clientele that Michael would have to endure. These include lost Japanese tourists and the post National theatre crowd that descend on this 'nissen hut' as a 'step down' from their typical theatre land venues. Our host considers this no more than 'looming recession desparation' but he also found the wine list a touch limited for his cultured palate. As usual he is already in full flow…
"Can you recommend anything? Deep fried Snapper? Sounds disgusting. I’ll try the squealing lobster instead. And a bottle of.....good Lord just bring me something French will you?

I see that Harvey Weinstein is attempting to make a film version of the Broadway musical Chicago. Is he quite mad? I thought we’d managed to see off that particularly empty-headed genre years ago. Am I the only person that finds them quite the most tedious thing to sit through? All that "let’s put on a show" nonsense. Dreadful! He’s reportedly lining up Gwyneth Paltrow to play the lead. Hasn’t he seen Duets? If not somebody should show him a copy. It proves quite clearly that Gwyneth is to singing what George W. Bush is to international diplomacy. I’ve had dental procedures that were more pleasurable. Harvey, do the world a favour and stop trying to make ‘worthy’ films will you? All those Oscar-winning costume dramas are going to your head, dear boy. Do what you do best and bully young Tarantino into making another film will you?

What does a man have to do to get some service around here?! This is what happens when you employ a bunch of New Deal trainees, you know. I received an invitation to attend the British premiere of Bridget Jones’s Diary, this week. Of course, I didn’t go. Spending two hours watching the story of an over-weight neurotic hormonally-charged woman was more than I could bear. If I enjoyed that sort of thing I’d still be married to the third Ex-Mrs Whiner. Does the world really need another bloody Richard Curtis romantic comedy? Especially one starring Hugh Grant? It’s getting a bit tedious frankly. Stick to the sitcoms Richard, you’re quite good at them.

For dessert? Oh I don’t know.... I’ll attempt to keep down the Clamamel Tart. The chef around here is no Mr Kipling but even he shouldn’t be able to ruin that. Did you hear about the four Spiderman costumes being stolen from the set of the new film? Police are going on the theory that they were taken by ‘opportunist thieves’. I think they should be on the look out for four tramps dressed as the web-slinging wallcrawler. They’ll nick anything if it’s not tied down, you know."

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

archive >>>

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