"I heartily recommend the Ballotine of Duck Hearts. The sauce disguises the poor quality meat they use here quite superbly. Oh and steer clear of the Titian Salad with Kestrel egg. I had it once and my bowels locked solid for a fortnight. Ghastly business.

Talking of shite, I see our American cousins are still whipping themselves into a frenzy as the Oscar ceremony approaches. What’s more they’ve suddenly noticed that the whole hideous affair is arse-cheek numbingly long and tedious. Further more they’ve discovered that the reason is because the blubbering luvvies acceptance speeches are usually longer then the films which won them the award in the first place. So they’ve slapped a 45 second limit on the duration of winner’s speeches and invited them to post their thanks on the official Oscar website. How au fait with computers do you reckon the average Hollywood starlet is, eh? Well, I’ll tell you. In my experience, the only gadgets they know how to operate are their mobile phones and their vibrators. Perhaps I’m just meeting the wrong sort of women. What do you want now? Oh, I’ll have the Manatee Tart followed by the Lobster Gordon Strachan. Can I have it actually cooked this time, please? Last time it was so under-done I swear the little red bastard was still breathing. And a bottle of the '81 Krug Rosé. Actually, make it two. I prefer working in round numbers.

Where was I? Oh yes! To add insult to injury, the Oscar committee have announced a prize for the person who gives the shortest speech. So what do you offer as a prize to a room full of multi-millionaires? A house the size of Jack Nicholson’s ego? One of Elizabeth Taylor’s cryogenically frozen eggs? The bits Cher had removed during all that plastic surgery, perhaps? No. Apparently you offer them a big television. What the bloody hell is the point of that? Most of them already have six televisions, each the size of a shed! What do they need another one for? It’s the equivalent of offering them a fiver. Madness! They’ve got it completely arse about tit as usual. What they should be doing is punishing the people who make the longest speeches. What with? Threaten them with a proper job – that’ll scare the living shit out of them.

Waiter! Where’s my bloody champagne? My triple heart bypass didn’t take this long!"