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whining & dining by michael whiner | contact:

Week 4 - A Fistfull of Dorade

This week, Michael is sampling the gastronomic delights of Jimmy 'The Hood' Ramsey's, A Fistful of Dorade. This gourmand's paradise was voted most expensive restaurant by the ever honest Zagat restaurant guide last year and was the scene of the headline busting Ramsey vs Gill ruckus on new year's eve. As usual Michael he is already in full flow…

"I heartily recommend the Ballotine of Duck Hearts. The sauce disguises the poor quality meat they use here quite superbly. Oh and steer clear of the Titian Salad with Kestrel egg. I had it once and my bowels locked solid for a fortnight. Ghastly business.

Talking of shite, I see our American cousins are still whipping themselves into a frenzy as the Oscar ceremony approaches. What’s more they’ve suddenly noticed that the whole hideous affair is arse-cheek numbingly long and tedious. Further more they’ve discovered that the reason is because the blubbering luvvies acceptance speeches are usually longer then the films which won them the award in the first place. So they’ve slapped a 45 second limit on the duration of winner’s speeches and invited them to post their thanks on the official Oscar website. How au fait with computers do you reckon the average Hollywood starlet is, eh? Well, I’ll tell you. In my experience, the only gadgets they know how to operate are their mobile phones and their vibrators. Perhaps I’m just meeting the wrong sort of women. What do you want now? Oh, I’ll have the Manatee Tart followed by the Lobster Gordon Strachan. Can I have it actually cooked this time, please? Last time it was so under-done I swear the little red bastard was still breathing. And a bottle of the '81 Krug Rosé. Actually, make it two. I prefer working in round numbers.

Where was I? Oh yes! To add insult to injury, the Oscar committee have announced a prize for the person who gives the shortest speech. So what do you offer as a prize to a room full of multi-millionaires? A house the size of Jack Nicholson’s ego? One of Elizabeth Taylor’s cryogenically frozen eggs? The bits Cher had removed during all that plastic surgery, perhaps? No. Apparently you offer them a big television. What the bloody hell is the point of that? Most of them already have six televisions, each the size of a shed! What do they need another one for? It’s the equivalent of offering them a fiver. Madness! They’ve got it completely arse about tit as usual. What they should be doing is punishing the people who make the longest speeches. What with? Threaten them with a proper job – that’ll scare the living shit out of them.

Waiter! Where’s my bloody champagne? My triple heart bypass didn’t take this long!"

recent whines...

January 2002 - St John - Clerkenwell EC1

December 7 - Hell

November 30 - Birthday at Brula

November 23 - Picnic on the Heath

November 16 - Les Trois Soeurs

November 9 - Ed's

November 2 - Burger King: Piccadilly

October 26 - Lindsay House

October 19 - Darcy's

October 5 - Spitz of Spittlefields

September 28 - West Street

September 21 - St John's

September 7 - Southeast W9

August 31 - Rogues

August 24 - Royale With Cheese

August 17 - Rules

August 10 - Manana

August 3 - £15/head at Mazzo

July 27 - La Scala

July 20 - La Putain de la Tour

July 13 - The Real Zorba

July 6 - Palefico

June 29 - The Moon and Pigeons

June 22 - Post Theatre

June 15 - Danang Vice

June 7 - La Crebiche

June 1 - B.A.N.G.E.R.S

May 25 - The Ritz

May 18 - The Harpo

May 11 - Trading Braces

May 4 - Hijo De Puta

April 27 - Broadway!

April 20 - Escoffier Steakhouse

archive >>>

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