"I do wish that they’d learn to cook a proper amatriciana! Call that a sauce? It looks like something the cat brought back up! Talking of vomiting, I see that Russell Crowe said earlier in the week that he dumped Meg Ryan because he missed his cows. People have said he’s mad. I disagree — he’s simply replaced one doe-eyed female for a whole herd of them. Oliver Stone should have replaced her with one of Russell’s cows in ‘The Doors’ — it would have probably given a more convincing performance.

God good! You expect me to eat vitello tonnato that looks like that? Standards have slipped around here. Talking of which I see ‘Billy Elliot’ has won another bloody award. When will people realise that it’s just ‘Flashdance’ set in the North-East? Why can’t we go back to the golden age of British cinema when we were churning out classics like ‘The Wild Geese’ and ‘Who Dares Wins’. Lewis Collins could have been the British Sylvester Stallone with the right backing. That’s the problem with this country, we don’t treat our talent with any respect.

Oh now this is going too far! You just can't serve malanzane alla parmiggiana like that! Did you see that report in the Sunday Times which said that all the real film talent is to be found in Britain? Of course, I’ve always maintained that but it’s nice that they’ve finally taken notice. I remember mentioning it to Sam Mendes at a BAFTA bash last year. He just looked at me and said, "I’m sorry, who are you again?" The youth of today don’t have any respect for their elders. The only decent thing he’s ever done was that play where Nicole Kidman got her kit off. Where’s that bloody sommellier? I’m starting to sober up over here!"