| 8.45 AM |
The family are awakened by a knock at the door. Whos there? Why its Father Christmas! This year hes being played by Richard Attenborough with Haley Joel Osment as his little elf helper. Last years Santa Claus, Pete Postlethwaite is unavailable as hes starring in a production of An Inspector Calls at the Bridlington Empire. Richard Attenborough is insisting on playing Santa with a Scottish accent.
Ho ho ho! Ive brought some wee gifts.
Thats great Richard! How are you Haley?
(Unnaturally calm) I see presents. Everywhere.
Presents are exchanged. Stevens wife, actress Kate Capshaw has bought him a new baseball cap and some socks. He gives her a signed copy of Close Encounters of the Third Kind on DVD. He has also arranged for all the negatives of her disastrous 1986 teenage science fiction film Space Camp to be destroyed and the ashes buried at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
All the Spielberg children have been given a new X-Box games system courtesy of Microsoft. The telephone rings. Its Bill Gates.
Have they opened them yet?
Yes Bill, they love them!
Ill come over tomorrow to show them how to use them.
Thats great Bill!
Kate Capshaw watches as Marco Pierre White starts stuffing the turkey. Steven has had him flown in specially.
Stevens old pals from film school, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola arrive. George has brought a rough-cut of Star Wars: Episode II to show them. Its the fourth different cut hes produced this week. Francis has sat through one screening of the film already today hes looking a little harassed. He mutters something about "Goddamned Avids" under his breath.
The telephone rings. Its President Bush.
I just wanted to telephonate and expressify my seasonal good wishment to you all.
Thats great Mr President!
George Lucas screens the Star Wars rough cut.
Are you sure you need the scene where Jar Jar Binks slips and falls into the pile of Bantha droppings?
Yes. Its a recurring theme that Ill come back to in Episode III.
Thats great George!
Marco serves the turkey. George Lucas cracks his one and only joke.
I wish Id cooked Howard the Duck!
(Under breath) Every goddamn year!
Jings! Crivens! What a beastie!
Thats great Marco!
After dinner mints are served. George and Francis are arguing over who originally came up with the idea for Apocalypse Now. The telephone rings. Its Richard Dreyfuss.
My career is going nowhere. Youve got to cast me in your next movie! I cant do any more rubbish like Mr Hollands Opus!
I thought it was great Richard!
Er, have you got Sam Mendes phone number?
Steven screens ET: The Special Edition for his guests. He and George Lucas discuss the software Industrial Light and Magic used for the new computer enhanced effects sequences. Francis finally snaps.
What the hell are you guys?! Film makers? Or computer salesmen?
To try and calm the tension Steven suggests they play some board games. They decide to play Scrabble. George has some difficulty grasping the rules.
Er, I dont think "Jedi" is actually in the dictionary yet George.
Are you sure?
(Checking dictionary) Er, hes right honey. Its in there.
Thats great George!
Does "disconcerting" have one S or two?
Francis has left. He stormed out after George got a triple word score for "Skywalker". George has to go too. Hes just thought of some changes he can make to the rough cut of Episode II.
The Richard Attenborough, Haley Joel Osment and the Spielbergs settle down to watch the Christmas film on TV. Theyre showing Its a Wonderful Life!. Again.
You know whod be good in a remake of this?
Thats a great idea honey!
Do you know whats wrong with the chap playing the angel?
He really should be Scottish.
Thats great Richard!
I see remakes. Everywhere.
Steven Spielbergs Its a Wonderful Life starring Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Capshaw and Richard Attenborough as the Angel enters production early next year. Haley Joel Osment makes a cameo appearance as "Disconcerting boy".