Free-ads - Forum News and columns Features & Interviews Film links Calendar dates for festivals Contact details Statistical Info Funding Info
site web
About Netribution Contact Netribution Search Netribution


interviews / reviews / how to / short shout / carnal cinema / film theory / whining & dining

netribution > features > carnal cinema >

by dr andrew cousins

It's a Spielberg Kinda Christmas

Just how will the first family of Hollywood be spending Christmas Day? Dr Cousins looks into his crystal ball…
8.45 AM

The family are awakened by a knock at the door. Who’s there? Why it’s Father Christmas! This year he’s being played by Richard Attenborough with Haley Joel Osment as his little elf helper. Last year’s Santa Claus, Pete Postlethwaite is unavailable as he’s starring in a production of ‘An Inspector Calls’ at the Bridlington Empire. Richard Attenborough is insisting on playing Santa with a Scottish accent.

Ho ho ho! I’ve brought some wee gifts.

That’s great Richard! How are you Haley?

(Unnaturally calm) I see presents. Everywhere.

9.00 AM

Presents are exchanged. Steven’s wife, actress Kate Capshaw has bought him a new baseball cap and some socks. He gives her a signed copy of ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ on DVD. He has also arranged for all the negatives of her disastrous 1986 teenage science fiction film ‘Space Camp’ to be destroyed and the ashes buried at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

All the Spielberg children have been given a new X-Box games system courtesy of Microsoft. The telephone rings. It’s Bill Gates.

Have they opened them yet?

Yes Bill, they love them!

I’ll come over tomorrow to show them how to use them.

That’s great Bill!

10.00 AM

Kate Capshaw watches as Marco Pierre White starts stuffing the turkey. Steven has had him flown in specially.

11.00 AM

Steven’s old pals from film school, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola arrive. George has brought a rough-cut of ‘Star Wars: Episode II’ to show them. It’s the fourth different cut he’s produced this week. Francis has sat through one screening of the film already today — he’s looking a little harassed. He mutters something about "Goddamned Avids" under his breath.

11.15 AM

The telephone rings. It’s President Bush.

I just wanted to telephonate and expressify my seasonal good wishment to you all.

That’s great Mr President!


George Lucas screens the ‘Star Wars’ rough cut.

Are you sure you need the scene where Jar Jar Binks slips and falls into the pile of Bantha droppings?

Yes. It’s a recurring theme that I’ll come back to in Episode III.

That’s great George!

1.00 PM

Marco serves the turkey. George Lucas cracks his one and only joke.

I wish I’d cooked ‘Howard the Duck’!

(Under breath) Every goddamn year!

Jings! Crivens! What a beastie!

That’s great Marco!

2.00 PM

After dinner mints are served. George and Francis are arguing over who originally came up with the idea for ‘Apocalypse Now’. The telephone rings. It’s Richard Dreyfuss.

My career is going nowhere. You’ve got to cast me in your next movie! I can’t do any more rubbish like ‘Mr Holland’s Opus’!

I thought it was great Richard!

Er, have you got Sam Mendes’ phone number?

3.30 PM

Steven screens ‘ET: The Special Edition’ for his guests. He and George Lucas discuss the software Industrial Light and Magic used for the new computer enhanced effects sequences. Francis finally snaps.

What the hell are you guys?! Film makers? Or computer salesmen?

5.00 PM

To try and calm the tension Steven suggests they play some board games. They decide to play Scrabble. George has some difficulty grasping the rules.

Er, I don’t think "Jedi" is actually in the dictionary yet George.

Are you sure?

(Checking dictionary) Er, he’s right honey. It’s in there.

That’s great George!

Does "disconcerting" have one S or two?

7.00 PM

Francis has left. He stormed out after George got a triple word score for "Skywalker". George has to go too. He’s just thought of some changes he can make to the rough cut of ‘Episode II’.

8.00 PM

The Richard Attenborough, Haley Joel Osment and the Spielberg’s settle down to watch the Christmas film on TV. They’re showing ‘It’s a Wonderful Life!’. Again.

You know who’d be good in a remake of this?

No. Who?

Richard Dreyfuss.

That’s a great idea honey!

Do you know what’s wrong with the chap playing the angel?

No. What?

He really should be Scottish.

That’s great Richard!

I see remakes. Everywhere.

Steven Spielberg’s ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ starring Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Capshaw and Richard Attenborough as the Angel enters production early next year. Haley Joel Osment makes a cameo appearance as "Disconcerting boy".

recent carnality...

54 Robbie Wooliams - 'Singng Thru the Tears'

53 It's a Spielberg Kinda Christmas

52 Anthony Hopkirk - "I've had enough, I quit!"

51 George Mucus - May the courts be with you

50 Jayne Dyvine from BBC Films

49 Vinnie Savage

48 Willy Wonka aka Barrett Stevenson

47 September 11th: The Musical

46 "Film: Does it Influence Real-Life Behaviour?"

45 "How to Make Cool Movies" with Quentin Terrentino

44 SFX Gurus - Industrial Might & Tragic

43 Paul Verhervervint

42 The Equity Strike Explained

41 Robert Dooley Jr - Out on the Wiley, Windy Moors

40 James Macaroon - King of the World

39 Mike Fungus - Brit-film's digital jazzman

38 Sebastian Kilmer's World of Marketing

37 Joe Silverman's Olympic Swimming Pool

36 Britney Starr

35 Minister for Film - Oliver Nemisole

34 The Video Art of Francine Germaine Wilson

33 Screen Legend's Origin Shocks Hollywood

32 Christopher Tulkinghome - The East Anglia Film Commission

31 Sydney Banderfield - Stan's DoP

30 The National Student Film Festival

29 Jocasta Meridien - Thespian Angel

28 The Reverend Aloysius Tork: The Lord's Critic

27 Dr Andrew bullies Michael Bayne after the premiere of How America Won The War

26 Arturo Bannetti tells Dr Andrew about winning the Palme D'Or for his film, Mamma Mia

25 Doctor Andrew gives us the true Cannes competition line up

24 Brick McCracken - star of Termiliser and Total Recoil reads poetry to Dr Andrew

23 Dr Andrew gets the latest on the WGA strike from Layton Bridges. Sorry, that's Loy-ton Bridgeys

22 Dr Andrew transcirbes Simon Bates' lament for the love tryst between Barry Norman, Sky and the Beeb

21 At the 10th Anniversary of Film! Magazine, Editor Brent Morgan tells all to Dr Cousins

20 Dr Andrew 'swims in Lake You' with Julia Ribbings, recent Oscar winner for White Trash Lawyer

archive >>>

Copyright © Netribution Ltd 1999-2002
searchhomeabout usprivacy policy