Ecce IX: amo praeter amat igitur.... et cetera

 ‘How often is the sky mauve?’  I wondered, some steps from freedom.

The air was thick, mauve even, as I walked away from a day at work.

‘Must be snow’, I thought. A Christmas hue, it seemed (how apt) out from under cap and scarf and dustman’s coat.

And then, ‘How often is the sky mauve?’  I wondered, some steps from freedom.

I was tired by this time but remembered to smile, of that at least I was glad, until those words pulled me back down. Down only to a previous place, a few steps back.

‘Love for another, that being not me,’ I smiled again until, again, those words, pulled me back down… etc.

‘But I must be happy, to have smiled first. A victory,’ I thought, I knew, I know. A Victory! Whatever the pain. Until those words pulled me back…etc

‘I, Victory.’ I thought, smiling, until those words….etc. This on my bicycle (mauve sky, smog, zoom-toot-rumble-rumble-near death moment with man in van with turban… his shock, salute of apology), slowly now.

‘It is a Christmas bug, like any other.’ Smiling again behind drunken wasps in the street drifting, me swerving, smiling, until those words….etc

‘Out with it!’ I protest, not smiling for so long that I smile at the novelty. Alas! No good. Stuck in it. Not smiling.

‘Hoodwinked by it, by her? (not smiling) By IT?’ I thought, smiling. Hoodwinked, in my café now, a good word, etymology? Hoodwinked! Great word, chuckling, until….etc

‘She for him, I for her, who for me?’ Smiling (disdainfully) at a big fish eating a littler fish eating a little fish, or at least, mouth open, frozen ON THE POINT OF EATING. Smiling, until those words….etc

In The Coach, not smiling at all.

‘What am I to do with it now? A damp squib! Goddamnit! I felt so good for all of three days! Then those words…. What am I to do with it now?’

Verge of tears…etc.

‘Do with it. What am I to do with it….

DO with it?!! Hah! You expressed it!’ I remembered, smiling.

Smiling