"Im pushing the boat out a bit tonight because Ive been given the all-clear by my doctor apparently I was just suffering an allergic reaction to the nylon stitching in my new underpants. So with that in mind Ill have a large corned beef hash to start and top it off with a few fried eggs will you? As for the wine, Ill let you surprise me. As long as its not American, Chilean, South African, German or, heaven forbid, Bulgarian. Other than that I dont mind.
I see the silly season is upon us again as the press play the annual, "Who Wants to be the Millionth Bond" game. It must have been a very slow news week indeed as the suggested candidates are quite the most ludicrous bunch Ive heard yet. In fact they make Albert "Cubby" Broccolis casting of George Lazenby look like a sensible move. Yes, they are that bad. They range from some bloke called Colin Wells who is currently appearing in the new Crossroads to some Scottish chap called Gerard Butler who had a small part in Mrs Brown. Then you get the silly suggestions like casting Catherine Zeta Jones as a female Bond. Or the suggestion from Roger Moore that "its time we had a black Bond. I think they should cast Cuba Gooding Jr". I think its time you moved into a nursing home, Roger. While I have no objection to a black Bond, Cuba Gooding Jr is about as suitable for the part as Whoopie Goldberg would be. In my opinion theres only one man for the role. Hes handsome (see photo), a hit with the ladies (5 ex-wives) and knows roe from caviar. I am of course talking about myself. I probably wont get a chance though because Pierce Brosnan is making noises that hed like to extend his contract. The film career not going too well these days, Pierce?
Hop too it boy! Im hungry! And another bottle of veuve while youre on your feet. I see that Marlon Brando has had to pull out of Scary Movie 2 "due to illness" Dont think that weve seen the last of him though. Given his current choice of roles I fully expect him to appear in the forthcoming S Club 7 feature film, 2001: The Year It All Started To Fall Apart
Barry Norman stunned the British film industry by announcing that he is to retire from film criticism. They were stunned mainly because they thought he already had retired. I mean has anybody actually seen his programme on Sky Premier? Personally I dont think he ever recovered from the time he was hosting the Oscar coverage and announced that Saving Private Ryan was "about to be awarded Best Picture". Only to see the award go to Shakespeare in Love instead. I imagine that Sky will follow their usual policy of replacing him with a blonde bimboid whose sole function is to look good and boost the ratings. Talking of Mariella Frostrup - where is she these days?"