"Ive decided to end my French boycott a week early. The Cannes Film Festival this year may be one of the most boring in living memory but thats no reason for me to go without is it? Good gracious old boy, are these blinis wholemeal? Oh shut up you little toad and fetch me some more caviar! Taste like lentils but I shan't starve.
Actually, there was one small piece of news from Cannes that caught my eye. It seems that Ken Loach suffered some sort of brain-fit during an interview and started ranting on about new British filmmakers. His chief complaint was that people these days make films "with one eye on Hollywood" and then promptly decamp to America as soon as they get the chance. Now, Ive got a lot of sympathy for Kens point of view. Most directors do run away to America to make films as soon as they can - Stephen Daldry did it just recently. Sam Mendes bypassed the "making a film in Britain" stage and went directly to making Hollywood films. Its not bloody good enough and something ought to be done. But then again Ken Loach is in Cannes to promote his new film Bread and Roses which is set in, er Los Angeles. I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning!
This main course doesnt seem to be up to much. This blue fin tuna is distinctly chewy. Overall, its rather bland and insignificant. It lacks real bite like, what's that excuse for food called? Tofu yes. A bit like a performance by Liz Hurley really. By all accounts she nicknamed her ex-boyfriend Hugh Grant "monkey" because thats what she said he resembled. Do you think he nicknamed her "plank"?
A scientific study has proved that winning an Oscar can prolong the winners life by an extra four years. Now I found this a truly alarming statistic for two reasons. Firstly, that anybody in their right mind would devote the best part of their life to such a completely pointless research topic. Shouldnt they be trying to find a cure for cancer or something actually useful? The second reason that the report disturbed me somewhat is that it now means that the Oscars are no longer a rather tedious backslapping excuse for a piss-up by a load of rich Yanks. They now actually count for something. Tom Hanks has already had an extra eight years added to his life. We now have to endure Julia Roberts for four more whole years. So can I put in an early request to the Academy to take extra care in who they hand them out to in future? Think of the bigger picture, thats all Im saying. After all do we really want Adam Sandler around any longer then we have to?
Have you heard the rumour that Dreamworks are desperate for a sequel to Gladiator? A plan slightly scuppered by them killing of the central character at the end of the film therefore offering no possible hope of a return, no matter how popular the film has been. I like to call this "The Titanic Effect". Undeterred though they are allegedly pushing forward with plans for the new craze around town - the prequel. Theyre all at it - Austin Powers 3, Star Wars Episode 2 and 3, Hannibal Lecter: The Teenage Years and so on and so on. The Gladiator film is supposed to follow Maximus Aurelius rise through the ranks of the Roman legion. As yet the film doesnt have a name. Well Ive just copyrighted Maximus as a film title. Shall we start the bidding?"