˝I¸m not in a good mood today. Some arse from the local council has decided to dig up the road right in front of Chez Whiner. They¸ve had two pneumatic drills hammering away at the tarmac all morning and I¸ve got a migraine big enough for two. Just bring me a Gordon's and tabasco will you? And some Alka-Seltzer. Oh - and a big bottle of Jack Daniels. Well I¸ve got to have something to take the taste of the Alka-Seltzer away don¸t I?
Egg on faces all round at Sony Pictures this week eh? It seems that the fools couldn¸t find any positive reviews of their films and so invented a few quotes from a fictitious reviewer. I know that adverts lie to us but surely there are some standards even for them! Then Fox weighed in with an advert claming that you could ˝trust our postersţ. Possibly so but unfortunately it was revealed that they weren¸t above getting one off their office staff to pretend to be an ordinary cinemagoer and appear in a television commercial lavishing praise on ╣Waking Ned¸. They¸ve since blamed an ╣earlier team¸ for the mistake. Tut tut chaps. If you¸re going to throw mud at each other you¸d better make sure none could stick to you first.
This parsip tastes rather ╣muddy¸. I know you use organic vegetables but can you please wipe the manure of them before you cook them next time?
It seems that not a week goes by without the checked shirt clad billionaire George Lucas threatening to sue the force out of somebody. This week¸s hapless victim is an anonymous man who calls himself ˝The Phantom Editorţ. It seems that unlike the millions who flocked to see ╣Star Wars: Episode 1¸ and then complained about how rubbish it was, he actually decided to do something about it. To that end he set about re-editing large portions of the film that had annoyed people so much. Out went a lot of the more childish dialogue, some of the aliens were revoiced to make and several sections of the film were excised all together. According to those who¸ve seen the ˝Phantom Editţ the result is a much tighter, faster moving, less juvenile film. Not that you could make a more juvenile film if you tried. I was forced to sit through it by my young niece and nephew, Portia and Tristan. I nearly lost the will to live halfway through. Anyway it seems that Mr Lucas has taken exception to some young whippersnapper showing him how to do his job and has threatened to sue anybody selling a copy of ˝The Phantom Editţ I think that anybody who was forced to sit through the ╣The Phantom Menace¸ should be able to sue George Lucas for emotional damage. Fair¸s fair, George.
Where¸s that waiter? I want desert and I want it now! Ah at last! I¸ll have the Frozen Winter Berries with Hot White Fudge Cream followed by the Confit of Caramel Sodabread. Two deserts may seem excessive but as my dear mother used to say, ˝EAT IT YOU WHINGING LITTLE BASTARD!ţ. She¸s been dead for three years now. At her funeral she requested we play ╣Ode to Joy¸. I substituted a more fitting musical accompaniment č ╣Ding dong the Wicked Witch is Dead¸ from ╣The Wizard of Oz¸.
Talking of mad old trouts, Barbra Streisand is the latest Hollywood star to go completely raving bonkers. Her official website now includes tips on doing your washing. Apparently you should wash your clothes in warm water and then line dry them. Astonishing. Why haven¸t they snapped this woman up for a daytime television programme? In fact if Granada are still looking for a couple to take over This Morning from Richard and Judy then they could do worse then getting Barbra and James Brolin to do the job.
Incidentally it looks as though the custody battle between Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise has is going to be more fiercely contested then anybody imagined. They both want custody of the hairdryer.ţ