I said to him, "Well Hollywood has never worried about white powder before so why should they start now?" Of course he had no answer to that did he?
Is this veal chop made with real or artificial calf? Mmm. Im suspicious myself. One cant be too careful at the moment. I already have to don a full body chemical protection suit before opening my mail. One feels the effort has been quite wasted when all you ever get are entries to the Readers Digest prize draw.
Another victim of the hysteria gripping America is Francis Ford Coppolla. His current project, Megalopolis features the rebuilding of a New York devastated by a disaster. Hes currently holed up rewriting the script. Thats Hollywood-speak for him standing over some poor sweating scriptwriter desperately trying to second-guess what could possibly devastate a city without causing anybody in the audience offence. I wouldnt like to be in his shoes, would you?
Actually, earlier this week, I did receive what appeared to be a letter from the same terrorists who have been sending out the anthrax letters. It was a plain white envelope that bore the words, "Now you will learn the truth
" printed on the outside. It turned out to be a hoax. It was actually from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints trying to flog me their free video, The Lamb of God. I wish Id known that before Id called in the anti-terrorist squad. I was stripped and put through a chemical shower for nothing. Mind you, my hair has never looked so vibrant and full of life so it wasnt entirely wasted.
I see that saucer-eyed French minxette Audrey Tautou star of Amelie is to make her debut in an English language film. Unfortunately its in Stephen Frears hopeless sounding Dirty Pretty Things in which members of Londons immigrant population, including a Turkish porter, a Chinese busker and a prostitute gang up to solve a murder. All they need is a talking dog and theyve got a multi-ethnic version of Scooby Doo. Didnt Stephen Frears used to know how to make decent films once upon a time?
Whilst were on the subject of decent films its very depressing to see that American Pie 2 is riding high in the UK cinema charts. Oh. Dear. Me. Quite why anybody wanted to see the first tawdry little effort is a mystery . So why they wanted to inflict yet more pain on us with a sequel is quite beyond my comprehension. Its a dreadful film. All the critics have said its a dreadful film. Why cant people listen? As Tony Hancock once said, "What about Magna Carta? Did she die in vain?". Oh I give up. Watch what you want. You will anyway.
Garcon, another case of Chablis if you will!"