"No solid food this week, Im afraid. I had a decaying tooth ripped from my throbbing gum earlier today and it hurts like a bugger. Whats the soup of the day? Atlantic broth? Go on then. And a case of Champagne too. Im on painkillers but theyre about a much use as a chocolate teapot. Mistress Alcohol will soon beat the pain into submission.
Talking of which, Im utterly sick of Harry bloody Potter. Its everywhere. I can even wipe my arse with Harry Potter toilet paper if I want to. This week the newspaper editors were trying to find a new angle to the story and God-bless Zoë Wanamaker for giving it to them. It seems that Ms Wanamaker is less then chuffed with the money she got for making the film. In fact it was less then she received from the BBC for making Gormenghast. Now Im afraid I dont really have much sympathy for her really. Firstly she knew precisely how much she was being paid when she agreed to do it. Secondly shes got quite a large role in a film that is going to be seen by countless millions all over the world. Its the sort of publicity that she could normally only dream of in her strange little luvvie world. I bet she doesnt turn the sequels down either. Ah, I love the smell of hypocrisy!
So Michael and Kirk Douglas are to star in a film together for the first time. I can see two potential problems that may yet scupper the project though. For a kick off its called, Smack the Puss which I think must take the prize for Worst Title For a Movie Ever award, even beating that obscure Korean flick, Pardon Me, Thats my Dog Youre Eating. Secondly and more seriously, Kirk just cannot talk since he had the stroke. I saw him on Parkinson and frankly it made painful viewing. He slurred and dribbled his way through the interview like Roy Hatersley on novocaine. Cant somebody have a quiet word with him?
You know anaesthetic and alcohol really do complement each other very well. The alcohol gets you nicely pissed and the anaesthetic means that you dont feel a thing when you fall down. I may include a chapter on drinking whilst sedated in my forthcoming book, Whiners Big Book of Booze.
Michael Jackson is going to direct a film. Its about an eight-year old orphan. Its called Home of the Angels. I think Ive finally lost the will to live.
Garcon! Another case of champers if you will! Im going for oblivion or bust!"