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| whining & dining by michael whiner | contact: firstname.lastname@example.org |
Week 8 - Calibraxis
|Many have branded 'Calibraxis' in Bow as little more than a shameless theme joint run by businessmen and frequented by obese philistines, statements that seem harsh but largely accurate as an observer. However this tasteless and astonishingly unhygienic venture is still as popular as ever - especially with high brow reviewers. When interviewed last year after an environmental health officer was found dead after seeming to 'wash his genitals' in a deep fat fryer, the hapless owners were just as perplexed as everyone else by the restaurant's success. The police found nothing to charge them with but these rather vacant entrepreneurs seemed quite vacant when quoting their chef, 'Our meat profit margins are higher than those of any chef I know - I just can't explain it!' Legend abounds that this was the site of the Jack the Ripper slayings, no one knows how long the site has been a dining area but the name Calibraxis comes from ancient texts - the demon was Lucipher's chief butcher! Doubtless these myths add to the site's success but attempts to replicate (indeed close or even refurbish the current venue) have resulted in tragedy. Michael scoffed at the idea of dining here but he changed his tune after a look at the wine list. As usual he is already in full flow
|"I see that you have Manatee Tripe on the menu. You do realise that its banned under at least three United Nations Arms Limitation Treaties, dont you? Ill avoid it if you dont mind, it does terrible things to my digestion like start it working. I think I'll go light with the Fruta di Mare for three Two bottles of the 67 Lafitte. Those are the real 67s mind, not the ones with the year written on in felt tip that you give to the Japanese tourists. |
Word reaches me that David Beckham is to invest £1 million pounds in the British Film Industry. Now call me old-fashioned but does that strike anybody as the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain said, "That Hitler blokes all right. Id trust him". If his choice of film projects is anything like as good as his choice of wives then the resulting film will be two subplots short of a narrative. Doesnt he realise that making a successful film is a very tricky and finely balanced thing to do? Why doesnt he come to me for advice? After all, Ive had nothing but rave reviews for all my movies. Granted, some of them were only released in Albania but Ive always maintained that the Albanians have a very keen sense of what makes a good film. You only have to look at the recent Albanian box office hit Gorky and Zet do Yes! to see what I mean. Gripping stuff.
Waiter! Wheres my main course? Third World debt has tripled in the time weve sat here!
Apparently Marlon Brando is to make an appearance in Scary Movie 2. If youve been fortunate enough to miss the first Scary Movie then you probably wont be aware that it is another tiresome post-modern, ironic horror comedy based on the tiresome post-modern ironic horror comedy Scream. Who said Hollywood was disappearing up its own backside? Anyway, it transpires that Marlon is rapidly going down the Laurence Olivier approach to choosing film roles and appearing in any old shit that pays well. To think the cheeky bugger had the nerve to turn down a role in my Roger Moore/Oliver Reed comedy, Headless Chicken, a post-modern, ironic comedy about the state of the British Film Industry. Bloody Americans! They wouldnt know a decent film if it bit them on the bum cheeks. His English accent in Mutiny on the Bounty was crap as well.
For dessert? Oh Ill have a pint of hot white chocolate sauce, bring me a wheel of Livarot with three or four pears on the side and the Dante Torte. The old heart valves are due for a 10,000 mile service anyway so what the hell. Can somebody put my surgeon on standby please?"