| whining & dining by michael whiner | contact: email@example.com |
Week 4 - A Fistfull of Dorade
|This week, Michael is sampling the gastronomic delights of Jimmy 'The Hood' Ramsey's, A Fistful of Dorade. This gourmand's paradise was voted most expensive restaurant by the ever honest Zagat restaurant guide last year and was the scene of the headline busting Ramsey vs Gill ruckus on new year's eve. As usual Michael he is already in full flow
"I heartily recommend the Ballotine of Duck Hearts. The sauce disguises the poor quality meat they use here quite superbly. Oh and steer clear of the Titian Salad with Kestrel egg. I had it once and my bowels locked solid for a fortnight. Ghastly business.
Talking of shite, I see our American cousins are still whipping themselves into a frenzy as the Oscar ceremony approaches. Whats more theyve suddenly noticed that the whole hideous affair is arse-cheek numbingly long and tedious. Further more theyve discovered that the reason is because the blubbering luvvies acceptance speeches are usually longer then the films which won them the award in the first place. So theyve slapped a 45 second limit on the duration of winners speeches and invited them to post their thanks on the official Oscar website. How au fait with computers do you reckon the average Hollywood starlet is, eh? Well, Ill tell you. In my experience, the only gadgets they know how to operate are their mobile phones and their vibrators. Perhaps Im just meeting the wrong sort of women. What do you want now? Oh, Ill have the Manatee Tart followed by the Lobster Gordon Strachan. Can I have it actually cooked this time, please? Last time it was so under-done I swear the little red bastard was still breathing. And a bottle of the '81 Krug Rosé. Actually, make it two. I prefer working in round numbers.
Where was I? Oh yes! To add insult to injury, the Oscar committee have announced a prize for the person who gives the shortest speech. So what do you offer as a prize to a room full of multi-millionaires? A house the size of Jack Nicholsons ego? One of Elizabeth Taylors cryogenically frozen eggs? The bits Cher had removed during all that plastic surgery, perhaps? No. Apparently you offer them a big television. What the bloody hell is the point of that? Most of them already have six televisions, each the size of a shed! What do they need another one for? Its the equivalent of offering them a fiver. Madness! Theyve got it completely arse about tit as usual. What they should be doing is punishing the people who make the longest speeches. What with? Threaten them with a proper job thatll scare the living shit out of them.
Waiter! Wheres my bloody champagne? My triple heart bypass didnt take this long!"