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 Ave Brittani et cetera,
I had hoped to be sitting on the terrasse of my favourite cafe by
now, reading the decadent tomes of that silly little fascist Gabriele
DÁnnunzio. I would be relaxed, chatting now and then to Mohammed in
Spanglarabic and feeling the warm glow of creative satisfaction. But
no... I have just finished writing this:
To whom it may apply,
On 04.07.06 I received a 50UKP fine for driving in a bus lane.
The reference number of this fine is: ISO8327524
I was in fact pulling away from the bus lane after talking to a
policeman on a motorbike, sadly anonymous, who would doubtless offer an
explanation for my being parked (I did not even dismount) in said bus
lane. I am even convinced, having studied the photograph sent to my
home address, that it would have been impossible for your camera NOT to
have recorded the conversation with the police officer.
But that is now irrelevent.
Duly, on 11.07.06 I paid the fine using my Switch (maestro) card and
having checked that the payment had left my account I looked forward to
the well-earned period abroad that, in your ineptitude, you are doing
your best to spoil.
Yes, another demand was sent to my house and thankfully I do not live
alone. I was told of its arrival and so I have checked once more (at my
expense, calling my bank from abroad) that the funds had indeed left my
account.
Do you not check your evidence before issuing your exhorbitant demands?
Can you not check now? You have the reference number....
WHY CANT YOU CHECK YOUR FACTS???!!!.
But you won´t. You will doubtless send me another demand despite
already having my money, this time with more profound threats and in a
tone even more authoritarian and in more lurid colours than before.
This is not the first time of course. I have had similar threats and
insinuations of irresponsible citizenship from the London Boroughs of
both Camden and Westminster. This will continue because you are, as a
body, deficient and greedy.
How ironic that I have taken this trip in order to find a city in the
world (yes, to live) where the moral validity of one´s citizenship is
not constantly in question. I would prefer the dubious process of
bribery to this rude, aggravating, wasteful idiocy which I have been
subjected to my entire adult life in London.
As you are incaple of processing a simple transaction I am now obliged
to spend more of my time and money contacting my bank for a solution to
what should be YOUR PROBLEM.
HSBC will now send a copy of the statement of 11.7.6 to my address
along with a declaration, signed by me on my return to London (not
sooner) which will allow them to investigate what we all already know.
When I do return I will clear the matter with your deficient selves,
thank my bank, demand an apology and a reimbursement of my telephone
costs (alas, you cannot compensate me for my time) from London Borough
of Islington and forward this email to the Mayor of London, the MP for
Islington, as well as a broadsheet and tabloid newspaper of my choice.
Thank you for being so deficient. Thank you for wasting my time.
Yours, in boredom but very sincerely,
Tom Fogg
or as you know me, ISO 8327524
So, there will be no diary entry for today, no meditations and no
exotic descriptions of far lands. There will be no talk of culture, of
love of anything interesting, in fact, until I have walked, breathed
and then taken my sweet time over my sweet coffee and smoked two
handrolled cigarettes.
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